I know I put my heart some where…

Parenting for me has been somewhat mechanical. This machine like quality has carried me through some rough times. There are so many new Mother’s at our church, and I caught myself remembering back to this time of baby-hood where I started down the slide of unresponsiveness. You see it’s hard to always respond to the Holy Spirit immediately when you have a baby attached to your chest, your toddler has “gotta go potty”, or your older child is flexed in anxiety. Sometimes your feelings are so strong, you are apart of how the Spirit might be moving or working in a group, but your primary reflex is the child by your side.

So, you don’t say anything, you don’t go forward, you don’t say anything to
the person in need, and your prayers get turned inside out by the temper
tantrum transforming before your eyes.

Personally, this ‘setting aside’ of my inclinations became a pattern.
I accepted that this was just not my time in life to be apart of the group, and it
appeased my already aloof nature just fine. I worked hard at what was going
on in the temporal world, things that I could control. But the ever-present
guilt of not following the Spirit immediately remained.

All of us Mom’s have to push past sleep deprivation, painful relationships,
loss of relationships, homesickness, and numerous personal issues so that
we can just feed the baby. Somebody still has to, it’s great that my husband
can stop everything to get ‘right’ with God, but somebody still has to make
the peanut butter and jellies, wash the dirty laundry, smile and kiss the sticky
faces and fingers. But in the process I was never dealing with the pain or joy
on the inside, so what was going on in my soul never showed itself in my
outward state. I stifled my response, to the point I didn’t know what I felt.
I literally thought, “Who cares what you feel, feelings are here today and
gone tomorrow.” My heart was grievously misplaced. Why didn’t the will
that could push through life’s upsets push back to the Spirit-Father when the
children were asleep and the husband was away? The satisfaction of a clean
house and a tidy demeanor replaced my need for Him.

Seven years later I was still so busy trying to be responsible for everyone
else I forgot how to respond to my God and King. I watched in awe at
younger, more ‘heart healthy’ women respond to the Lord in a church
service with such exactness that I could not understand.

I remember thinking how do you do that? How do you put your feelings first, know that
they are pure feelings, and then follow through? I had forgotten a boldness
from my youth. The Creator God who made me to worship still wanted a
relationship with me that was more than militant. He reminds me that he
wants me to want Him, He wants to know what I feel, and yet I cannot seem
to articulate what I feel. The God I thought was my very useful, highly
acclaimed, commanding officer wanted to hold my hand and remind me who
I was. He came and searched my heart for things of my spirit because He
cares so much. Much enraged I lifted my fist at Him and said, “How dare
you, I can’t even get into my heart, how did you?” Where is that heart of
mine anyway?

Now, I know that my personality isn’t exactly constructed for doing a jig
around the church or even shouting out a hearty ‘amen’. But, I have found
myself crying out to God asking him, “Could you just make the head and the
heart work at the same time, and don’t forget to help my lips move.” It is
really hard for me, I would much rather secure my position on the line than
have to hear the utterance of my voice at any point. This is my struggle.

There is a reason while 1 Tim 2:15 says, “and she will be saved through
childbearing,” it’s because you have to stay true to your first Love who will
give you faith, love, holiness and self-control despite the demands your other
love’s throw at you. If you are in the middle of a diaper change, a sick little
one, a behavior issue, when the Lord comes near look full into His face and
catch His care for you. Don’t be like this writer and misunderstand that He
doesn’t want you to drop the baby so you can stand at attention. He just
wants your heart and that is something you give with full arms and a heavy
load.

Grace and Peace to You.