Every year I try to skirt the questions concerning the highs and lows of the past year. What was good or what was bad? Where did I find success and then the inevitable failure. For a couple of years I came up with a short cute comeback to the question regarding my New Year's Resolutions, "I resolve to continue." Which is the farthest from the truth, I am a diehard overachiever, always striving for the next level. Although I might settle with where I am at, I am rarely content with it. All this critical exactness is completely personal, rarely voiced, but always calculating. This year, I need to make some changes, deep changes, outward changes, and so I write for eyes to see. There needs to be a change from striving-surviving to thriving. Although I will never cease from trying to mortify the deeds of the flesh, I want to turn my gaze. You know, the gaze of a soul, puppy love, stuff that makes me blush and look directly down. Just now my four - year old son was trying to get my attention. I was trying to make my personal goals for the up coming school term. He must have told me his plans for our day three times before I realized I was giving him second place. So, I turned my body towards him, looked him square in the eye and said, “What are your plans?” He didn’t sigh, he didn’t roll his eyes in exasperation, he laughed. Laughed because it was so funny for him to see me be at his disposal. He was a buzz of delight, “When I finally get the next Star Wars toy that I want we can make a big play area in front of the fire and play all day.” Instead of scolding him for his desire for toys, and there never being enough, I said yes. He was ecstatic, I could read his mind “She said yes.” Could this be the end of restrictive thinking for me? Well, not completely, I reminded him he had at least a week’s worth of chores to do before he was able to purchase this addition. Thanks to the Holy Experience (www.aholyexperience.com) for reminding me of this need in my life to find a 'yes'. I used to boast, “There is nothing I can’t say no to.” A condition I have worked hard to achieve only to find out this is not an achievement. Nope, no blue ribbon here, in fact if I am not careful I will be a cultivator of wild grapes (Isaiah 5). It seems to me I need to direct my attention.
(Psalm 63), I have looked upon you,
though terrifying, the Psalmist tells me it’s a good idea.
So, this is my prayer, I am sorry I shift my gaze, I need your hand under my chin to lift my eyes to You. I have lost my childlike determination to see you. I don’t deserve your persistence to hold my gaze, help me to be a better lover. Amen.
