Monday, February 15, 2010

Hidden Romance

February has been cold, really cold, I have felt cold from the inside out and cold from the inside in. I have seen more varied types of snow than I ever thought possible. My kids started the month ecstatic over the first sign of falling snow yet have now retreated indoors with a soft blanket versus trotting outside with their sleds. I have tried to think "happy" thoughts, but every time I head out for a run on the slick streets I end up muttering something under my breath that I have to repent for half way through my run. To make matters worse I have been reading the "weeping prophet," Jeremiah. Although there are numerous encouraging verses the overall picture of this book has been painted severe. I have ruminated about how does God put up with us, how we so quickly fall out of love with Him and how I am just as bad as 'those people' He is dealing with in the scriptures. It has been a hard, passionless month, oh and throw Valentine's Day in to the gloom blender and this natural cynic begins to produce mass loads of unbelief. I cover it up rather nicely with a steadfast exterior and a cast iron glaze over my true self. Lately I have felt a surge of panic as I realize I don't feel anything; apathy. I really don't like me when I get like this.

Then I pray, "Lord please have mercy, fill me afresh, I don't know how I got like this, but You and I both know where this leads."

Leave it to my precious kids. Today I was really stretched with a fragile four year old, there was nothing I could do right. Every attempt I made towards peace was thwarted by this cloud of "not enough," hanging over his eyes. I was exhausted by noon, ready to give up and fall prey to depression and discouragement all over again.

I sat down with my daughter to read today's "The Holy Experience," post by Ann Voskamp only to find myself getting choked up. My voice was wavering and tears were stinging my eyes as I thought about God keeping a record of my laments. My daughter smiled at me and said, "Awe Mom, enough of this romance stuff." A little perturbed at her, I asked her what romance she was talking about, she snickered and said, "You know, you and Jesus." I was taken back because I struggle with intimacy with Jesus, and how she saw me sniffle a little and knew that there is a romance between me and Jesus that I rarely have eyes to see. I felt encouraged. I am not passionless, I am not cold and heartless, I do love Jesus, He lives in my soul and even though I am not a riot of expression my daughter knows my true self.