In the fall of 2007 I was doubting if I was really in love with Jesus, and if I really wanted to be rid of my sin, so I looked for a method of measurement. John Owen said in that you must see if you are sermon or sick - proof, 'you that were tender, and used to melt under the word, under afflictions, will grow as some have profanely spoken "sermon-proof and sickness proof". Honestly, this has been my measuring stick, I am a person of reason, I think through emotions, I don't feel my way through much of anything.
The month of August has brought much sickness, I wrestled with an ovarian cyst, I did not know existed, for 5 days. In the middle of the night when the pain brought me back to a time when I was 7 cm dilated, in transition, ready to give birth to our second child, I remembered this measuring stick of mine. I crumbled, I told God, "I need you to take this pain away." But I was holding back in my, too deep to discern, heart what if I have to survive this? What if I just have to muscle this one out? What if I have to figure it out? After my doctor's visit I realized it could have been much worse and was thankful for the opportunity to 'muscle it out', a true survivor's heart.
Two days later I followed my daughter in the combat against a stomach virus, oh joy of joy's I thought. I just had my first normal meal after the five days of toast. I have a real fear of the stomach virus, something that Mom's with multiple children can all agree upon, it's the worst. But I took up my measuring stick and prayed, "I need you Jesus to have mercy on my daughter and I." But, I was holding back thinking, what if I have to survive this one too.
Ten days later, after being diagnosed my an adenovirus that we got from whoknowswhere, Sydney and I are still weak, stomach cautious, and ready to move from toast to, as Sydney says, 'ribs' (A fondness I do not share). Chad was telling me about a friend of his who had a broken foot, who Chad prayed for, and the foot is healed. Whamo, just like that. Immediately I confessed my sin, jealousy, frustration wondering why I have to be the one to suit up and hold steady. Fear came in to upset me further and I began to pray, then Chad begins to pray and faith rose. It has been a year full of health problems, and I can tell you that I am not sick-proof or sermon-proof. I am however, cautious, wondering whether or not I am going to have to 'survive' and walk with a limp or 'be healed' and leap for joy.
Our pastor ended last week's sermon with this from from Dr. Waltke, “The limp is the posture of the saint.” No more need to control and leverage every situation.
A new willingness to live by the apparent precariousness of the promises of God.
A new willingness to be weakened with a limp, in order to be strengthened by grace.
If you will face up to what God says you are and put away your posing,
God will surprise you with his blessing.
You will limp.
But you will walk into a new dawn of blessing from heaven above.
Come to Christ as you are, and he will give you himself as he is.
Psalm 103: 2 - 3
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
